Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
