not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
