I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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