Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
