My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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