I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
