Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
