i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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