I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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