First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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