I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
