after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
