im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
