I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
