I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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