My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
