they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
