Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
