yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
