gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
