are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
