I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
