About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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