nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize