there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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