I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
