The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
