Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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