dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
