So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
