How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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