i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize