Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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