I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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