as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
