She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
