She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
