No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
