you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
