im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
