Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
