if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
