Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
