God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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