you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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