12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
