just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
