The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
