We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
