I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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