If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
