wrigley field is MILF paradise
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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