Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
