I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you had me at cake vodka
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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