He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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